Chocobo Farm
by Rethira
Summary: It had to happen. In one of the several billion parallel universes, it had to happen. And to be honest, Zack liked his chocobos, even if Sephiroth was always trying to eat him.
1. Chocobo Farm

Okay, so this is just a whole lot of fun. I wrote it mostly because I wanted to, but I want to know what you guys think. Oh and this is a sort of series too because I wrote more. Enjoy.

EDIT: Someone asked me for this, so I am providing a link to a list of chocobos. Here it is, just remove the spaces: http : / / rethira. livejournal . com / 30016 . html If you can't see the link just message me. Or go to my homepage (my lj) and you should be able to find the tag for list of chocobos there.

Warning: Large amounts of crack and murderous chocobos. Oh and gay chocobos.

Disclaimer: I do not own the compilation of Final Fantasy VII, but I wish I did.

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**Chocobo Farm**

Zack's prized flock of chocobos were world renowned. Everyone wanted a chocobo that Zack had raised. The problem was that lately, Zack's chocobos hadn't been laying many eggs.

That was probably caused by the fact that Sephiroth, the meanest, nastiest and most ferocious black chocobo in existence (also leader of the flock) couldn't seem to decide whether he wanted to kill or mate with Cloud, a young yellow with the most outrageous set of head feathers Zack had ever seen.

With Sephiroth stuck in a rut, the rest of the flock were walking on eggshells, sometimes quite literally. Cloud had developed a fear of all the other black chocobos and spent most of his time trying to hide behind Zack (the chocobo). Then there was Genesis – he was a red-brown, the only chocobo of his kind in existence – who was spending all of his time chasing all of the other chocobos around trying to mate with them. Only Angeal – who was the calmest black Zack had ever seen – seemed to be able to control Genesis, and even then most of that seemed to involve a lot of sneaking off behind the shed for what amounted to a gay chocobo quickie.

Zack was also slightly worried about Aerith's chocobo, Zack (and he'll be the first to admit that got confusing). Zack-the-chocobo was a blue and he was playful, hot headed and the first to get into trouble. He was also courting Aerith-the-chocobo while still carrying on with Genesis and Angeal and Sephiroth sometimes. Zack swore he'd once seen Zack-the-chocobo doing the dirty with Cloud. Aerith-the-chocobo was a gentle green and was perhaps the only one who seemed to be able to settle any chocobo's tail feathers, even Sephiroth. And she was also playing hard to get with Zack-the-chocobo, but hey, Aerith was too and names seemed to have a hell of a lot of power these days.

The less obedient chocobos – the Turk(ey)s, Zack called them – were also playing up. The leader of that little group was Rufus – a rather annoying and small gold with a red tinge – and he was always picking fights with Sephiroth. At least, whenever he wasn't staring (with eyes that were far too calculating for a chocobo) at Reno or 'busy' with Tseng. Tseng was another black and he was always hovering somewhere, usually around Rufus or Aerith-the-chocobo and sometimes around Zack-the-chocobo. He was usually tailed by Reno (a red), Rude (a brown) and Elena (a yellow) if they weren't all 'busy' with each other (Zack hadn't known chocobos could _have_ threesomes until he'd seen Reno, Rude and Elena together and that was one memory he was working on repressing).

Vincent was also acting a bit strange. Not that the black didn't act strange a lot of the time, but he was acting particularly strange and Zack was sure it had something to do with his son's aberrant (and that was his word of the day done) behaviour. Cid was obviously trying to cheer his long term mate up, but all the younger chocobos were really having an effect of Vin, especially Yuffie. Cid was a once wild gold (Zack had been amazed to even see one, let alone tame it) that Zack had managed to tempt from the sky with several bundles of greens and one extremely put out and depressed Vincent (he'd just lost his mate Lucrecia, after all, and his son was already acting like a maniac).

The rest of the flock were in a sense hangers on. Zack loved all of them, but they didn't seem to have nearly as much crazy as most of the flock. There was Yuffie, one of his two whites and she was more hyperactive than Zack-the-chocobo. They were partners in crime, although it usually seemed as though Zack-the-chocobo was rescuing Yuffie. The other white was Cait Sith or Reeve (he had two names) and he was so sane that most people forgot he existed. Tifa was far and away the prettiest female chocobo Zack had seen, barring Aerith-the-chocobo. She was a brown and she seemed to have a bit of a thing for Cloud, but kept on getting distracted by Zack-the-chocobo and Barret. Barret was the biggest chocobo in the flock and was also hot-headed but gentle at the same time. He was a huge brown and was often found hanging around Tifa and any chicks Zack happened to be raising. Finally there was Nanaki, a red chocobo whose feathers had stunted so it looked like he was covered with fur but it was really just down (or mini feathers). Nanaki looked weird for a chocobo, and was never afraid of predators, but he had an odd attachment to balls of string. He tended to ignore the rest of the flock.

And that was the world of Zack's chocobos.

In retrospect, it wasn't all that weird that he wasn't getting eggs anymore. Most of the damn flock was gay.

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There is more, but I want to know your reactions first. Are you interested in more, or should I go back to writing smut? Oh and you don't have to review or anything, but it would be nice. I'm not obsessed with reviews like some people are. I'm just a bit lonely.

_Rethira_


	2. When Realities Get Substituted

Yeah, several people said they'd like more, so here it is.

Warnings: CRACK, Genesis being promiscuous (oh and this is all just for fun, not to be taken seriously in the slightest, so please don't be offended up Gen's personality) and m-chocobo-preg.

Disclaimer: I don't own the compilation of Final Fantasy VII. I wish I did.

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**When Realities Get Substituted**

Today, in a radical u-turn from reality, Sephiroth had not tried to eat Zack, Cloud had laid an egg, Genesis had head butted Angeal and mounted him, Aerith-the-chocobo had enticed Zack-the-chocobo into going 'round the back of the barn, the Turk(ey)s had all been in their stalls that morning and Zack hadn't had to get Yuffie out of the rafters.

Deciding that he didn't like this new reality, Zack called Aerith to try and change it back. For one thing, Cloud was now staring in horror at his egg and Zack-the-chocobo was looking insufferably pleased with himself. And there was something seriously wrong with Sephiroth. He hadn't tried to kill Cloud yet, and Cloud had been immobile all morning. Hell, he hadn't even tried to mount Cloud or crush the egg or bully the Turk(ey)s or pull out Rufus' tail feathers. He hadn't even done his usual morning exercise of leaping from the roof onto passers-by and trying to pull their hair out before warking them into submission.

But perhaps even worse than that was that Vincent was looking cheerful, Cid was looking haggard and Nanaki was somehow purring despite being a bird.

"Honestly Zack, this is simple to resolve. All you have to do is..."

Several minutes later, Zack burst into the barn and yelled:

"I REJECT THIS REALITY AND SUBSTITUTE MY OWN!"

When the amused warking and kwehing had died down, Zack went to check Cloud's stall. It now had one Sephiroth in it who was very annoyed to have been interrupted at this crucial stage (he had just been about to finally do what that annoying yellow had coming to him) with one Cloud cowering beneath him. There were also two eggshell halves and one tiny black and yellow chick which was staring at Sephiroth with the mad amazement of newborn animals everywhere.

Zack decided that having Sephiroth as a father was bad enough, it didn't need him as a mother too, so he scooped up the chick, patted Sephiroth's beak absently (almost losing a few fingers in the process) and walked out of the barn. He passed Vincent's stall on the way and was glad to see that the black was back to lying dejectedly on the hay with one of Cid's wings across him while Cid worriedly nuzzled his beak. Yuffie was warking from the ceiling, Zack-the-chocobo was dragging his feet while Aerith-the-chocobo looked annoyed about something and Genesis was making those noises that meant Zack should absolutely not go anywhere near his and Angeal's stall for the next few hours. The Turk(ey)s had disappeared, leaving behind Rufus, whose tail feathers were looking out of place.

Unfortunately, Tifa, Barret, Nanaki and Cait Sith/Reeve had all disappeared too. Several hours later, Zack found them and the Turk(ey)s in another chocobo breeder's field. Said chocobo breeder was cackling insanely and stabbing things with needles. All the chocobos were regarding him with slightly freaked out expressions and Tseng looked like he was just about to tackle the insane man and peck him to death. There was a sign over the barn that said 'Dr Hojo's Perfect Chocobos'. There was a weird one eyed silver chocobo tethered to a post. It had a collar around its neck that said 'Jenny'.

Zack shrugged and quietly herded the flock back home. There were some kinds of crazy he'd rather not deal with.

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Aerith is my _deus ex machina_ and you can't have her. *hugs*

_Rethira_


	3. Chocobo Families

And here's some more. I would've updated earlier, but I was on holiday. Sorry guys.

Warnings: referenced m-chocobo-preg, chocobo-incest and Cloud (the chocobo) becoming extremely paranoid.

Disclaimer: I do not own the compilation of Final Fantasy VII or any of the characters therein. I wish I did.

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**Chocobo Families - A Chocobo Farm Story**

The chick was called by turns Cloudy and Sephy, until they finally amalgamated into Clephy, by which point the chick had been confused into believing there was two of it and had developed two personalities accordingly. Suddenly only having one name made Sephy really angry and Cloudy slightly scared.

Sephiroth remained stubbornly sure that he was not a father and also stubbornly sure that he wanted to kill and mount Cloud, preferably at the same time, although he would settle for doing whichever one made Cloud make more noise. Cloud took to jumping at loud noises and staring at the floor or ceiling, as Sephy had the habit of attacking his feet and Sephiroth had the habit of dropping on him from above. Whenever Cloudy was out, he became very mothering, but confused because Cloudy and Sephy were the same chick.

Genesis managed to convince Sephiroth into going behind the barn with him and Angeal joined them. The red-brown chocobo was even more promiscuous (word of the day get) than usual and nearby chocobo farmers were complaining that all their male chocobos were refusing to mount the females and only seemed to get excited when anything even vaguely resembling Genesis came past. Angeal was looking a lot more harassed than usual and some of his wing feathers were coming out white.

In other news, Dr Hojo had come round and tried to convince Sephiroth that Jenny was his mother. This hadn't gone over well with the crazed chocobo, who had furiously attacked Hojo. Hell, even Vin had leapt up and started battering Hojo and Jenny with his beak. Poor old Dr Hojo had then had the rest of the flock really get into it, because when both Sephiroth _and_ Vincent were attacking someone, then they were obviously meant to attack them. Aerith had had to come home from her flower stall at the church and tempt Sephiroth away with Cloud (who was attacking Jenny a bit half-heartedly).

Tifa and Barret had adopted a chick called Marlene who had dragged another chick inside and Zack had named it Denzel and was trying to encourage Cloud into being more motherly in the hope that maybe Clephy would stop becoming Sephy if he had a better mother (his father being a lost cause). So far it hadn't worked – Cloud just developed a new paranoia and started following Zack-the-chocobo around even more than usual. Even Aerith-the-chocobo was having problems with poor Cloud who had more complexes than a neurotic hamster or one of those creepy hairless cats.

Nanaki kept on sneaking off to go and chase rabbits and sunbathe and Aerith had caught him trying to teach a kitten how to fly (admittedly it had been a kitten from Dr Hojo's farm and had had wings, but that was no excuse). He and Cait Sith/Reeve kept on adopting kittens and Zack had found a wild coeurl in a stall with them looking slightly bemused and not overly hungry for chocobo. It was getting ridiculous – who'd ever heard of a chocobo that thought it was a cat?

Luckily, the Turk(ey)s were behaving, with the exception of Reno, who never behaved and couldn't be trusted in the slightest. He and Genesis were spending too much time together. And when he wasn't with Genesis, he was with Rude and Elena behind the barn or trying to convince Tseng and/or Rufus to join him behind the barn at say, seven? As if that wasn't bad enough, his feathers had grown and Zack was having to tie them back which looked ridiculous on a chocobo, not to mention Reno kept trying to bite him (yes, chocobos can bite). On the plus side, Reno was also spending time with Zack-the-chocobo, who was still getting nowhere fast with Aerith-the-chocobo (just like Zack and Aerith, despite living together).

Rufus was always looking angry and annoyed and ruffled, which might have had something to do with his brother Lazard being sent to Zack's farm because he kept on spontaneously attacking his owner, Dr Hollander (who coincidently had bred Genesis and Angeal and sent them to Zack because they kept attacking him or mating in his house very early in the morning). Lazard was another gold (although without Rufus' red tinge) and was obsessed with his own feathers. So far, Tseng had managed to keep Rufus calm enough, although Zack was pretty sure that sooner rather than later Rufus would either attack Lazard or somehow end up behind the barn with him (hey, chocobos aren't monogamous and have no sense of family beyond 'this chick is my chick').

But hey, this was chocobo family. It never made sense.

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Well I hope you enjoyed it. I certainly did. You want more?

_Rethira_


	4. We Will Call This Land Crossover Country

I hope you like crossovers. And Final Fantasy VIII.

Warning: crossover, Zell abuse.

Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy VII or Final Fantasy VIII or any characters therein. I make no money from any fanfiction.

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**We Will Call This Land Crossover Country - A Chocobo Farm Story**

The sign above the barn door said 'Welcome to Zell's' in once cheery letters. They had since been battered, repainted, had feathers glued to them and been painted over again. The result was a sign that looked much the worse for wear. It looked a bit sad.

Zell however, had never let that get him down, which was something Zack respected. Zell was a cheery sort of guy, always full of energy and ready for a crazy idea, just like Zack. Zell never let the fact that he looked like some sort of weird chocobo-chicken hybrid slow him down either, even when Seifer (his prize gold chocobo) ran into him and pulled his hair before spending ages warking to himself in amusement.

Seifer wasn't the leader of Zell's flock, despite being stronger, bigger and more egotistical than all the rest of them combined. He generally deferred to either Cid (a rather old brown who spent most of his time looking for a nice place to lie down) or Ultimecia (who was another one of those weird silver chocobos and seemed to possess a temperament not unlike Sephiroth's and always said 'kwark' and 'kwehk' instead of 'wark' and kweh'). Seifer was never happier than when he was pulling Zell's hair or chasing Squall around.

Squall was an irritable brown who was routinely mobbed the rest of the flock and had become extremely antisocial. This wasn't helped by Seifer who was always either ambushing him or accidently-on-purpose getting them both locked in Squall's stall for a few hours. When he wasn't avoiding Seifer or the younger chocobos, he was avoiding Laguna with a vengeance. Laguna was his father (Zell had a lot of browns) and was the most accident prone chocobo Zack had ever met. It was weird how unlike Vincent he was personality wise when their lives had been so similar, even up to the whole now having a male chocobo as a stall-partner (Kiros).

The rest of Zell's chocobos were Rinoa (Tifa's sister, a black), Quistis (a pretty gold), Selphie (a brown whose hyperactivity rivalled Yuffie's) and Irvine (the most relaxed red Zack had ever seen). There was also Edea (a very gentle white) and Ward (a gigantic blue).

Zell's chocobo world was nowhere near as crazy as Zack's – it was mostly Seifer, Squall and Ultimecia who contributed to the madness. However, he did have to avoid attacks from Seifer every few seconds (Zack didn't. Sephiroth was usually too busy attacking Cloud and all the other chocobos knew who fed them) and Ultimecia was completely and utterly insane and probably some sort of relative of Jenny's. When asked, Zell did mention that he found her near Dr Hojo's farm, but hadn't thought anything of it (he must not have seen the flying kittens).

Just as Zack was leaving (he'd managed to persuade Zack-the-chocobo into being ridden, by promising him that he would actually lock Aerith-the-chocobo into his stall with him), there was a very loud and very angry wark from inside the barn and a few seconds later Seifer came running out as if the hounds of hell were after him. His tail feathers were frozen.

"Hmm, I never knew chocobos could cast ice magic..." Zack muttered to himself. Zack-the-chocobo kwehed before promptly bucking Zack off and racing back home, leaving Zack to either walk or ride one of Zell's chocobos. Neither option appealed.

After one last glance back at the barn (where Seifer was tugging his tail feathers while Squall watched and Zell tried to help but kept on getting pecked) Zack started walking. Zell's cries of pain and Seifer's warking laughter followed him home.

* * *

If you couldn't tell already, I am a Seifer/Squall fangirl. If you want to see Zell's chocobos again, just say the word.

_Rethira_


	5. Chocobo Eggs

Sorry I took a while to update. Kept on getting side tracked by new fandoms which I won't go into now. Anyway, it appears that the m-chocobo-preg is spreading....

Warning: lots and lots and lots of m-chocobo-preg. Don't read if that squicks you. I mean, it's all for fun, but if you don't want to know about all the eggs Cloud is laying and so on, then don't read.

Disclaimer: I do not own any characters from FFVII. Nor do I make money from writing this. Or gil. Or any form of material goods.

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**Chocobo Eggs - A Chocobo Farm Story**

Since the whole substituted reality and mysterious disappearance of half of Zack's flock, Zack's chocobos had actually been laying a lot more eggs. This was nice, but weird. It was weird because the chocobos laying the eggs were male (they had all the bits in all the right places, if you know what I mean). So far, Cloud had the most chicks, with Clephy, Kadaj (weird silver), Loz (weird silver) and Yazoo (weird silver), but Cid and Vincent had a couple of eggs between them and Genesis was splitting his time between going behind the barn with Angeal (or anyone else who happened to be nearby) and laying eggs. So far Zack had rescued four eggs from Genesis' stall (the red-brown chocobo didn't mind exactly – he wasn't very maternal) and three of them had hatched into miniature Genesis'. The fourth egg was bigger than the others and hadn't hatched yet.

Meanwhile, the Turk(ey)s were refusing to let him anywhere near Rufus, but Zack had used his super chocobo breeder skills to get near enough to see that Rufus was the proud mother of a couple of golds and a couple of blacks (Zack had money on Lazard being father of the golds and Tseng being father of the blacks). Reno had also been looking a bit off and a quick investigation had revealed that there were a few eggs in the incubator that hadn't been there before. Reno and Rude already had chicks of course, on account of Elena, who, Zack was pleased to see, was still laying.

In yet another random and weird turn of events, Nanaki had also been found with an egg and it had hatched into a little white chick with Nanaki's weird feathers. Aerith insisted that Cait Sith/Reeve was the father and Zack refused to believe her. After all, that left pretty much only Barret as a non-gay chocobo and if people found out that most of Zack's chocobos were gay then that would be the end of that.

He was pleased to report (very, very pleased) that Zack-the-chocobo wasn't laying eggs, but Aerith-the-chocobo was and they were hatching green or blue chicks (sometimes a black one would appear, but that was just chocobo genetics for you). Aerith had a rather less pleased view, as the success of Zack-the-chocobo with Aerith-the-chocobo was giving Zack a lot of ideas, most of which she disapproved of.

As for Tifa and Barret, well they were apparently getting on very well, at least if the eggs Tifa was laying were any indication. (Yuffie of course, had no time for eggs or creating eggs or chicks or anything of the sort). They were still looking after Marlene and Denzel, both of whom were shaping up to be not half as insane as most of the other chocobos, something Zack was very thankful for.

After watching Sephiroth help Cloud conceive another egg, Zack decided that he didn't hold with this whole 'male-chocobos-laying-eggs' thing and went to Aerith to make her fix it. She told him 'No' in her sternest voice and said that men should finally learn to cope with the whole baby business, even if they were only chocobos, also, did Zack know where the spare wheels were for her flower cart and could he fix the fence around her garden, the chocobos were eating her flowers.

Zack did what all men would do in this situation and went to find the spare wheels and fix the fence. Then he went back to the chocobos and paid visits to all the egg laying males, telling them he was sorry for what they were going through, but that it was for the best and that men everywhere thanked them for doing all the giving birth so all the other men didn't have to.

Cloud stared at him, Vincent glared at him, Rufus warked angrily and Sephiroth (who had never laid an egg in his life) head-butted him before sitting on him and trying to eat his hair.

From his position on the floor, Zack decided that okay, maybe his chocobos deserved to lay eggs.

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Well, I hope you enjoyed it. Oh, and future installments will include cameos from various other FF games and possibly Kingdom Hearts (c'mon, the game is about travelling through other worlds and Sora would make a great chocobo).

_Rethira_


	6. And We Approach The AU Frontier

Well, this one's a bit different. Less focus on the actual chocobos, you know. But I hope you'll enjoy it anyway.

Warning: improbable situations, slash (between humans, yay) and mention m-chocobo-preg.

Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy VII or any characters therein. I make no money from this.

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**And We Approach The AU Frontier - A Chocobo Farm Story**

When Zack woke up that morning he knew something was wrong. For one thing, his bed was made of hay. Also, his feathers were out of place. It was the feather thing that gave it all away. Standing up as fast as he could, Zack almost banged his head on the manger and his feet –scaly, with talons- scrabbled helplessly on the floor. Zack raised his voice to call for Aerith, but all that came out was a terrified and extremely loud:

"WARK!"

Aerith didn't come running, but someone else did; someone with suspiciously chocobo-like blond hair and blue eyes that looked disturbingly familiar. He was out of breath and had a plaster on one cheek and scratches all up his arms. His clothes were mussed and out of place.

"What is it Zack?" he asked.

"Wark, wark wark wark, kweh." Zack replied (loosely translated this means 'Help I've been turned into a chocobo, who are you?').

Behind him, someone kicked over a bucket and water went everywhere.

"Not again. You stay right there Zack. I'm going in." The blond got a very determined look on his face and Zack watched as he walked by and into a dark stall near the back of the barn. A lot of loud noises started to emanate from there, interspersed with pained whimpers and angry warks.

Finally, a large black chocobo burst out, followed by the blond who looked considerably worse for wear. A lock of blond spikes had been lopped off and was in the black chocobo's beak. Said chocobo levelled a glare at Zack and ran outside.

"Seph, he's coming your way." The blond cried. There was a noise outside and then silence.

"Wow Zack, you actually stayed put for once." The blond said. "Now, what was all that fuss about earlier? You wanna see Aerith huh?"

At Aerith's name, Zack enthusiastically nodded his head and warked, trying to ignore the black feathers that he could see out of the corner of his eye that bounced along with him. The blond patted his beak – and that was weird as hell – and opened the stall. In true chocobo fashion, Zack raced out, knocking the blond over as he ran outside.

The black chocobo from before glared angrily at him. He was standing by a tall silver haired man who was stroking his feathers.

"Aw, did Cloud make you angry again? He did, didn't he? Only daddy can make you happy, right Chaos?" the silver haired man cooed.

"Shut it Seph. Your monster-bird keeps on trying to eat me." The blond muttered.

"Oh really Cloud, you exaggerate. He'd never hurt anyone I didn't want him to hurt." Something about the silver haired man was very familiar. Same for the blond.

"Look, Sephiroth, you complete bastard, I have had it with your stupid chocobo. And you, so don't get that look on your face. I swear, if you don't control that bird I am taking Zack and I'm going." The blond said.

"Cloud?!" Zack yelled, or tried to yell. It came out as 'WARK?!" Both human-chocobos (because that had to be Sephiroth, he knew those devious eyes anywhere) stared at him.

"Zachary. Be quiet." Human-Sephiroth said. The black chocobo (who had freaky gold eyes and looked a bit red) kwehed.

"Wark, wark kweh, wark, kweh kweh, wark!" Zack exclaimed.

A very familiar 'waaaarrk' was his reply as Aerith (tastefully pink, he noticed) leapt a fence and barrelled into him.

"Wark wark, kweh." She told him.

"Kweh? Kweh?" Zack replied.

"Wark wark 'WARK'."

"Kweh. WARK!" Zack yelled and suddenly he wasn't a black chocobo, he was a human and he was staring at human-Cloud and human-Sephiroth.

"Hi, I'm Zack. Aw, Cloud, you make the cutest little human ever. And Seph, I swear, if you try to eat me like you usually do, I will use Cloud as a meat shield." Zack said cheerfully.

"Um."

"_Wark_." Said Aerith, tapping a foot impatiently.

"Oh, sorry babe. Ahem. WARK!" Zack yelled again.

Within seconds Aerith stood before him, human once again.

"I'm sorry about that. This happens to us all the time. It must be the Chocobo Field Quantum Mechanics again. See chocobos emanate this field and sometimes it gets a bit weird and Zack and I get caught up in it. That's how we ended up here. Oh and don't worry Cloud, you'll be fine. Back in our world you and Sephiroth have four chic-children." Aerith explained breezily.

"Ah, yes the Chocobo Field. Cloud and I have also been caught up in it on occasion." Sephiroth nodded.

"Children?" Cloud mumbled.

"Oh yes, you and Seph have a really... passionate relationship." Zack said. Human-Sephiroth glared at him.

"And how would you know?" he asked, looking like he wished looks could kill.

"Duh. You're both chocobos back home."

Everyone stared at him.

"Oh come on, I was a chocobo here. Trust me Seph, back home you lead the flock and if Cloud isn't looking after the chicks or hiding behind the other chocobos, he's with you. Or sometimes Genesis, but that doesn't count, everyone's with Genesis."

Aerith cleared her throat.

"Much as we'd love to stay, we really must be going. Oh and Sephiroth? If I were you I'd start being nicer to your boyfriend. When he gets mad, he gets really mad." Aerith bowed and then a soft white light enveloped them and they disappeared.

Cloud and Sephiroth looked at each other.

"So... four children, huh?" Cloud began.

Sephiroth smirked.

* * *

And then they went inside and had....................................

COOKIES!

Had you going there for a second, didn't I?

_Rethira_


	7. Chocobo Races

Here's the latest update. I have Plans for the next chapter. Oh yes. Plans.

Warning: pretty much the same as last time, although Sephiroth did get a bit antsy (just so you all know, I refuse to write actual chocobo sex. You can beg and plead, but I have to draw the line somewhere. Use your minds to imagine what they're doing. Besides, I don't know how bird sex works. Do you?)

Disclaimer: I do not own FFVII or anything else. I make no money from anything, let alone fanfiction.

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**Chocobo Races - A Chocobo Farm Story**

Now, Zack wasn't one to brag (really, he wasn't) but his chocobos were awesome, even if they were completely and utterly mad. All of them were fast and gorgeous and had that extra special brand of chocobo madness. Currently, it was time for the most important Chocobo Race of the year – the Annual Chocobo Race of Midgar. Unlike most Chocobo Races, this one wasn't being held at the Gold Saucer and was taking place just outside Midgar. Zack had a very good track record there, but unfortunately that was with the slightly saner chocobos he'd once had. All of them had now been replaced with what he affectionately called the Crazies (except Vincent, but Vincent had become a Crazy).

Because they'd all been growing up, he hadn't entered any Chocobo Races for a couple of years (Vincent and Cid had been adults, yes, but they weren't as fast as say, Sephiroth and were entirely too busy with their own lives to race). But popular demand was seeing him back on the circuit and he was taking his chocobos with him. The problem was that none of his chocobos were exactly suitable for racing.

Sephiroth would try to kill the other chocobos and eat their jockeys. Cloud would try his hardest, but it was highly likely that Sephiroth would break onto the track and chase him, which would do bad things to his nerves. Besides, Cloud had to look after his four chicks and being a race chocobo was not something a breeding chocobo did.

Genesis would doubtlessly try to tempt all the other chocobos off the track and behind the nearest barn for a quickie or five and that would be... terrible. Just terrible. It would mean the end of chocobo racing. Angeal... now Angeal was a possibility, if he didn't get sidetracked by Genesis or anything. Zack-the-chocobo was another contender, especially if he thought it would get Aerith-the-chocobo's attention. The only problem was that he had the attention span of a gnat. Aerith-the-chocobo herself was unlikely to be a good racer. She was gentle and ultimately slow. Besides, there was a distinct possibility that she was laying, so that meant she'd be immediately out (bad for the eggs).

As for the Turk(ey)s, Zack was very sure that if he so much as approached any of them with a saddle – especially Rufus – they'd try to kill him. They were also closing ranks around the new chocobo Zack had found. She looked a lot like Genesis, but as far as Zack knew they weren't related. He'd called her Cissnei and she spent a lot of her time trying to fly (she was the same colour as Genesis and thus, trapped on the ground). The Turk(ey)s were not for riding, Zack knew that (at the very least, he wasn't going to try unless Aerith forced him to).

That left Tifa (laying), Barret (too slow), Cait Sith/Reeve (too slow), Nanaki (too convinced he was a cat or something) and Yuffie. Of those, Yuffie was the best option, although Zack really didn't want to ride her because she had a tendency to leap a bit too much and do spinning high kicks for no apparent reason. Well, there was always Vincent or Cid. Back before Lucrecia had died and Sephiroth had hatched, Vincent had been a good, reliable chocobo, who always managed to win every race, even if he wasn't actually entered. Cid hadn't been raced before, but he was getting on for a chocobo and seemed to wark a lot at younger chocobos.

Yeah, Zack was screwed. He had no chocobos that could reliably be raced. When Aerith got home after he came to this conclusion, she found him whacking his head on the table and moaning about his chocobos being too insane.

Eventually, it was decided (Aerith bullied him into it) to take all of them and just race whichever one seemed the most agreeable at the time.

Surprisingly, on the day of the first race Sephiroth was actually behaving and allowed Zack the rare privilege of riding him. When Sephiroth figured out what they were here for – namely, they were going to be racing – he decided no other chocobos would be allowed to win. As the first race began Sephiroth warked as loudly as he could, terrifying all the other chocobos on the racetrack. Then Sephiroth pulled a few tail feathers as he threw other chocobos out of his way. Zack decided to just hold on and hope that Sephiroth didn't kill anyone. They came in first, by several minutes. All the other jockeys were terrified of Sephiroth, who was not above mauling them.

On the second day, Sephiroth was in a black mood and not even Genesis would go anywhere near him, so Zack grabbed Cloud and hoped that Sephiroth didn't realise. Cloud turned out to have a very good turn of speed and they won the first few races without any mishaps. Unfortunately Sephiroth realised that Cloud was missing (Clephy and Kadaj had been bugging him) and broke out of his stall and onto the racetrack in his search for him. At the sight of Sephiroth, Cloud warked in terror and bolted, winning the race by miles. Sephiroth was faster though and soon caught up, prompting Zack to perform a high speed flying dismount before the irate black caught Cloud and proceeded to do unspeakable things to him right in the middle of the racetrack. Zack was lucky he didn't get disqualified.

And so it continued, with him riding Angeal (who won the race only to leap off the track to chase Genesis and beat up the chocobos he was with), Tseng (who 'persuaded' the other chocobos to not even begin the race), Cid (who took to the air and flew them to victory), Reno (who got all the other chocobos drunk before beginning the race and don't even ask how he did that), Barret (who won despite being slow, simply because he shoved the other chocobos out of the way) and finally Yuffie (who won the first five races before getting bored and devising a new game of 'knock the jockeys off' to ease her boredom).

Zack apologised profusely for his chocobos, but there was nothing he could do about it. Although he won and the public loved him (good boy charm + steady girlfriend + crazy chocobos = eternal love from the public), the jockeys and their chocobos did not, so he was asked very politely not to enter a race unless it was on a saner chocobo, like that nice chocobo he used to have, what was his name? Oh yes, Vincent.

Zack had said that Vincent wasn't quite as sane as he used to be, but he'd try to ride saner ones next time, like Zack-the-chocobo. There was some polite coughing before he explained that Zack-the-chocobo was Aerith's blue and he'd had nothing to do with naming him.

The trophies he'd won got put on the mantelpiece and Zack went back to doing what he did best. The chocobos decided that the racing life wasn't for them and went back to doing what they did best, namely, making Zack's life as difficult as chocoboly possible. And all was well again in the world of Zack's Chocobos.

* * *

And there you have it.

Next chapter, we see the rise of a terrible new danger... the rise of...

KINGDOM HEARTS.

DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN.

_Rethira_


	8. Kingdom Hearts Makes Everything Canon

Wow, this one is long. It also has: KINGDOM HEARTS. And sly references to Org LIX (search it and listen. Laugh and listen some more. Praise them and laugh and listen and stalk.) and Futurama. Also, hints for further chapters, not yet written.

Credit goes to Org LIX for much of the characterisation of Org XIII. Also DiZ.

Disclaimer: I own neither FFVII or Kingdom Hearts. I praise the lord for KH. It is a godsend. I make no money from this fanfiction.

Warning: referenced m-chocobo-preg, en mass pwnage and language. Uh, please be aware that I mean no offense to emos. Seriously, you gus are great. I could never hate you guys, I have been called an emo. It's just, well Org XIII and their cloaks. Yeah, emo. Especially Zexion.

* * *

**Kingdom Hearts Makes Everything Canon - A Chocobo Farm Story**

When Zack woke up that morning, he'd hoped that maybe today would be relaxing. After all, a lot had been going on recently and Aerith was getting worried that maybe the Chocobo Field was having an adverse reaction to the rest of the multiverse (yes, there's a multiverse, Zack has experienced it quite a lot). That would explain why the male chocobos were laying eggs, why more chocobo farms kept on popping up every day and why every so often Zack took a holiday from reality (he wasn't going back. The food was horrible and the beds were stuffed with straw and mice).

Unfortunately, Zack's plans for the day were ruined when he stepped outside and found thirteen people dressed in black cloaks, a chocobo-haired boy, a giant talking duck and a weird dog thing. The thirteen black cloaked people (from here on known as the emo-wannabes) were apparently having an argument with chocobo-boy, the duck and the dog thing. Seeing as this was considerably weirder than most things, Zack took refuge in the chocobo barn.

Shortly after hiding in Zack-the-chocobo's stall, the centre of the barn seemed to implode and suddenly two familiar figures were there hacking at each other with oversized swords. Zack fell over in shock (the chocobos gave the two figures a long look and went back to what they were doing, be it maiming, eating or rather more fun activities. Genesis didn't even bother to look). He would have spent the rest of the day in there, but one of the emo-wannabes came flying through the wall and made the fatal mistake of accidently hitting Sephiroth in the head. Zack used his amazing skills of foresight and leapt onto Sephiroth's back (this was the only safe time to get on his back; when he was enraged by someone else) and yelled the chocobo war cry.

"Chocobos, ATTACK!"

Five eventful minutes later, the emo-wannabes were all sporting looks of confusion and were sitting tied up on the grass outside, while chocobo-boy, the duck and the weird dog were tied up nearby. The two familiar figures had had their oversized swords confiscated and had been tied together because Zack could almost literally see the UST between them.

"Okay, so let me get this straight. You emo-wannabes want to get your hearts back. And chocobo-boy wants to stop you for some reason while also finding his girlfriend and boyfriend. The duck wants to find a mouse and so does weird dog thing. And Sephiroth-the-human and Cloud-the-human want to kill each other. Can I just say one thing? WHAT THE HELL."

"Mortal boy, if you don't untie me and return Masamune immediately, I will behead you." growled human-Sephiroth.

"No can do, Seph. See, one of the emo-wannabes hit Sephiroth in the head and he's so pissed off he has to beat all of you up. He'll be back in a minute, he's just working out a few frustrations on Cloud."

"What are you talking about, I'm fine." human-Sephiroth hissed.

"Not you. Sephiroth. Big black chocobo, likes eating fingers. Never quite sure whether he wants to kill or fuck Cloud. You should sort that out by the way, the UST is overpowering." Zack replied casually. Nearby, the Turk(ey)s started warking. Reno casually kicked the only woman emo-wannabe.

"You do that again beak face and I'll be eating bird for weeks." she hissed. Sparks flew out of her hair antenna.

"I wouldn't threaten Reno, miss. He's a Turk(ey). They stick together... which reminds me, where's Rufus guys?" Zack directed his question to Rude. The brown shrugged (a truly remarkable feat for an animal without shoulders).

"Cid, Vin, you know where Rufus is? And Tseng? Oh my god, and Lazard. Wait, they're not... are they? No, don't tell me. Please no. Oh fuck, Genesis can't you hold it in for one minute? Ugh, you're giving my Sephiroth's guests the willies and not in a good way. Oh thank god, he's back."

At this point, Sephiroth (the chocobo) appeared, a rather bedraggled Cloud walking on trembling feet behind him. Sephiroth walked up to his human counterpart and stared.

"He's trying to tell you something. Probably like, oh, Cloud screams more when he's being you-knowed. Not killed. You-knowed." Zack translated.

"I cannot believe we're just sitting here. I mean, they're just big fat birds, they can't even do anything." muttered an emo-wannabe. He had bright red hair, just like Reno's feathers.

"Look, emo-wannabe, you started it. And it's not my fault that a bunch of hardened warriors like you lack the skills to defeat my chocobos. Aren't they awesome? Look, look, here's Clephy!" Zack said, brandishing the chick, who promptly pecked his fingers. "Ow, little bastard. And Yuffie, Yuffie come here."

Zack would have continued along this, but chocobo-boy finally spoke up.

"My name's not chocobo-boy, it's Sora. Is there a reason why all the chocobos are named after people I know?" he asked.

"People you know? No, it's just part of the multiverse. See, everything's connected to everything and certain people and names are copied across the multiverse which is why I have Sephiroth but he's a chocobo and you have Sephiroth but he has a big wing and obviously hasn't been laid for _years_. My chocobo has almost daily sex. Cloud knows, don't you Cloud, yes you do, what with your four little horrors. Most of you guys would be chocobos, I bet. Although whether that emo-wannabe would be a girl or a boy I can't say. Not that it matters, all my male chocobos are laying eggs anyway." Zack laughed and clapped chocobo-Cloud on the back of the head.

"They breed?!" one of the emo-wannabes asked.

"Sure. Sephiroth and Cloud have four babies and Genesis – _stop doing that!_ – has god knows how many. Same goes for the others. I try to keep them all sorted in my head, but all of these chocobos are prized specimens and everyone wants their eggs. So far, only Cloud and Sephiroth's chicks aren't wanted. All the guys think that Sephy's chicks will be just as murderous as their Papa and they're right, aren't they Kadaj? Ow, not you too. _Oi_, blondie earring boy! Sit down. Don't make me set Sephiroth on you." Zack dropped evil Kadaj on the floor and walked over to the blond earring emo-wannabe.

"'Blondie earring boy'? Are you talking to me?" he asked.

"Yeah, you. Drop the cards. So... who are you guys meant to be?" Zack asked, glancing at the emo-wannabes.

"We are Organisation XIII." said the tanned silver haired emo-wannabe.

"That explains _so_ much. I mean, I just thought you were emo-wannabes, but now I know you're emo-wannabes with an organisation _name._" Zack was very pleased to see that the silver haired man jerked in annoyance at that.

"You will not speak to the Superior like that." The blue haired scarred man said (ordered).

"Yes sir, whatever you say sir, I can't believe I spoke to the Superior like that sir. Now that Mr Scar is placated, can one of you emo-wannabes tell me what the bloody hell is going on around here. Obviously I won't get anything out of the only other adults, which reminds me... _GET A ROOM!_ For god's sake, the people around here, terrible, just terrible. So... which one of you is the most sane?"

(It is worth mentioning at this point, that while Zack had been talking, human-Sephiroth and human-Cloud had shucked the ropes that held them together and had started making out. It's not relevant to the plot, but is nice to know.)

The emo-wannabes shuffled a bit and talked to each other and eventually shoved the youngest member forwards.

"Great, another chocobo-boy. Just what I always wanted."

"Uh, the Superior told me to tell you that we're trying to get out hearts back. We're Nobodies and we're trying to kill Heartless so that we can build Kingdom Hearts and regain our hearts. We didn't mean to get in a fight with the Key Bearer and we'll leave you and your chocobos alone in future." The kid mumbled.

"Yeah yeah, whatever. Don't do it again. Now, can I just say you seem to have bodies and how can 'Heartless' give you hearts? Might want to rethink your game plan there. Oh and you should all really sort out that UST, just like those two. I mean Superior dude has it dripping off him and so does Mr Scar. Do I even need to say anything about Reno-hair and chocobo-boy 2? No? Good. And pink hair... person. Yeah. You and everyone. You're like Genesis, I swear. Buckets of lust dripping off of you. You two blondies – not you, miss, the two men – are also... well, maybe not for each other, but my girlfriend might be the first to say how hot that would be. Face it, you lot need to go home, find a big enough bed and then just have a huge orgy. Relieve some of that sexual tension. Make you much happier. Oh, there's Aerith now." Zack grinned and bounced over to her.

"Zack, what have I told you about your relationship advice?"

"That it's painfully blunt and that no-one should ever listen to it but they always do? Or was it about how I should stop getting all the Clouds and Sephiroths across the multiverse together?"

"The latter. Oh, look at how many guests we have. I'm Aerith and this is my boyfriend Zack. You've met the chocobos, I see. Well, we'll do introductions later, hmm? For the chocobos. I want to know all your names first."

"No need, Aerith. I figured it all out already. Just now. You remember a few weeks ago that silver haired boy called Repliku moved in at the deserted farm? Well, all of these guys are the chocobos, just not chocobo-ed." Zack grinned.

"You're right. There's Axel and Saïx and Luxord. Why, even little Sora's here." Aerith smiled, successful in her plot of freaking out the bunch of people on the lawn who were messing up the grass and the flowerbeds.

"Bye now." Zack said, waving, as the weirdoes all picked themselves up and disappeared in a big implosion of light (all except human-Cloud and human-Sephiroth, who had snuck back into the barn and found a nice pile of straw to lie on).

A few seconds later, a man in red mummy robes ran up.

"Never fear, DiZ is here! Oh, I see. I get it. You don't want to party with me because I'm not 'hip' enough. Well I'll have my own party. With blackjack. And hookers." The weird mummy man carried on muttering to himself before wandering away. He was wandering in the direction of Repliku's chocobo farm and mumbling something 'sweet rodent arse' and 'Repliku, my darling little pomegranate'.

"Well, that was weird."

"Yeah. I swear I heard one of them speaking Dutch."

* * *

If you want to know about Org LIX, Google search it or PM me or something. You will not regret it. Oh, and they also do Crisis Perverted. Either way, they're brilliant. Go and find them. This is Rethira, pimping Org LIX because of their awesomeness.

Oh and yes, future chapters will have DiZ and Repliku. Especially DiZ.

_Rethira_


	9. Chocobo Shows

So, I'm kind of running low on ideas for these odd numbered chapters. Any ideas you can give me would be appreciated. Well, on with the show.

Warnings: uh, pretty much the usual, with added fires and explosions.

Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy VII or any characters therein. I make no money from this or anything else.

* * *

**Chocobo Shows - A Chocobo Farm Story**

Usually, Zack wouldn't have touched a Chocobo Show with a hundred foot barge pole. Unfortunately, Aerith had insisted, saying that the Shows were the only way anyone was going to hear about Zack's chocobos after that fiasco at the races. It would be the perfect way to show off, she said, and because Zack really loved Aerith (read: was whipped) he agreed with her and managed to bribe the flock into going to Midgar with him.

Genesis was perfect for showing, what with his plumage and ego and all that. Zack just hoped Genesis didn't do unspeakable things in front of anyone, like Sephiroth and Cloud had done. Speaking of them, Zack had decided to save himself the trouble and not show either of them, just leave them in a stall together and wait for the eggs to start hatching (Sephiroth had mostly got over his 'I want to kill Cloud' phase, although not entirely).

Instead, Zack was going to show Vincent and Cid and hope that they both behaved (they usually did, but throw Yuffie in there and things went mad). Yuffie was also going to appear, hopefully not at inopportune moments, like she was wont to. The Turk(ey)s were also going to make waves, what with them all being fine specimens of their colour (Zack had high hopes for Cissnei, seeing as she was the same colour as Genesis). The only thing to watch out for would be Dr Hollander showing up with Rufus' and Lazard's father (oddly, a Fat Chocobo) and causing a scene (Rufus and Lazard had a love-hate relationship and if their father was present could be counted on to squabble incessantly).

Oh, and speaking of parenting problems, Zack had to keep an eye out for Dr Hojo and Jenny (that chocobo was just _creepy_) because most of his flock would up and attack the pair if they ever saw them. Dr Hojo just couldn't seem to remember that Sephiroth was _not_ the offspring of Jenny, Lucrecia and Vincent – okay, chocobo threesomes exist (see Rude, Reno and Elena) but it was still impossible for a chocobo to have two mothers... it probably wouldn't be someday soon, but for now it was. And even then, Sephiroth still wouldn't have two mothers. If he did, well, that would explain a lot, but alas. He was conceived in the normal way.

_Anyway_, Tifa and Barret would be there too. Hopefully they'd be quite popular as sane, egg laying chocobos (oh and Zack was absolutely sure he'd seen Tifa and _Cloud_ come out from behind the barn one day, so she might be carrying Cloud eggs, but Zack wasn't holding his breath. If Sephiroth found out... well, it wouldn't be pretty). Cait Sith/Reeve and Nanaki were not going anywhere near the show ring – Zack would be a laughing stock if he showed these people two chocobos who thought they were cats or something.

Zack-the-chocobo and Aerith-the-chocobo were going to be bragged about incessantly. They were the only blue and green Zack had and there was no way he wasn't showing them the chocobos named after him and his girlfriend. Besides, they were also behaving a bit better than most of his chocobos.

The final chocobos Zack was reluctantly showing were Sephiroth and Cloud's chicks, who were now pretty much teenagers, if chocobos could be teenagers. They sulked and did things their parents didn't approve of (in this case, showering love upon their hapless mother, something their father really, really did not like) and tried to go behind the barn with inappropriate chocobos (usually each other, although once Clephy had got Denzel back there and Genesis seemed to love the triplets going behind the barn with him). However, they were all unusual and quite brilliant, so showed they would be.

When they got to the show, Zack discovered that everyone was avoiding him (they'd heard about the races and didn't want to be attacked by crazed chocobos). And that somehow, someway, the Turk(ey)s had got bombs tucked under their feathers _again_. Hell, Reno had a nightstick and Rude had pilfered some shades from someone (said someone spent the rest of their life terrified of chocobos after trying to reclaim his). It happened every time they went anywhere (there had been a near miss at the chocobo races, but that's another story). And they always got this 'Who me?' expression on their faces. Hopefully, the Turk(ey)s could be persuaded not to blow anything up this time.

Once the actual show was over, Zack was rethinking that decision. He was very glad when Aerith came to sit beside him and said, in a calm and rational way, that they would never, ever bring any chocobos to a show ever again. Oh, and maybe Zack should do something about that fire and all the screaming people.

* * *

I want to take the time to say a big thank you to whoever it was who came up with the idea of the Turk(ey)s blowing things up. I'm really sorry I can't remember your name (I have really bad memory) and I couldn't find your review. But thanks.

Anyway, for next chapter, you should all go and read up on my good friend, Amarissia. She writes awesome fics and well, go to her livejournal and go through her posts keeping an eye out for The Choir. You'll understand soon enough. Seriously guys, you need to go stalk her for you to understand the next chapter. Go through her lj posts, read her fics, keep your eyes peeled for The Choir and then you'll get the next chapter (well, I'll post it even if you don't, but it won't be as funny if you haven't read up on The Choir).

_Rethira_


	10. A Visit From the Choir

You all better be acquainted with the Choir by now. If not, well, you'll wish you were after this.

Amarissia has kindly said that I can use her Choir and she has read this and given it the Amarissia Seal of Approval. So no worries there.

Warning: this has copious amounts of naked human-Genesis. He commits selfcest, of a sort. Yes, I do mean that. No, I don't know why my mind works that way. Language, slash and Zangeal also occur.

Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy VII or any characters therein. I make no money from anything.

* * *

**A Visit From the Choir - A Chocobo Farm Story**

"I have one word for this: HELP!" Zack screamed, as he tried to climb out of the window. Behind him, a tall (extremely attractive, his traitorous body whispered) man was breaking down the door, asking if he'd had a relapse and had forgotten their relationship again. The only reason Zack wasn't out the window and racing far, far away (where his body couldn't betray Aerith with its stupid mutinous attraction to randomly appearing men) was because an equally attractive man was wandering around outside, stark naked.

"My eyes." Zack whimpered, before he dropped out the window. Free for a few seconds, he raced to the barn and dove headfirst into the Turk(ey)s' giant stall. Rufus and his cronies and Lazard all glared at him before returning to what appeared to be a meeting (well, as much of a meeting as a bunch of overgrown chickens can actually have). Zack peered around, watching for any sudden movements. Outside, he could hear someone calling his name.

A few minutes later, someone came inside the barn. Unfortunately it was the naked man. He was muttering something about Angeal and censoring and maybe something about jailbait. He stopped muttering to himself and turned to stare at Zack with unfailing accuracy.

"So, this is where you're hiding. Angeal, darling, I've found your little Puppy!" he yelled (unfairly loud). The other man – probably Angeal – appeared within seconds. In about the space of three milliseconds, he had Zack trapped in his lap.

"It's okay, Puppy, I understand if you've forgotten again." He said, reassuringly.

"Um, sure. Excuse me for a sec, I think I heard screaming." Zack started to say. He'd got up to the 'sure' when another him (slightly younger, maybe) burst through the doors. He yelped and suddenly Sephiroth (that evil, evil, live saving bird) shoved him over and stood on him.

"Zack?" Angeal cried and shoved Zack off to go and rescue his younger self.

"I'd be careful, he bites." Zack yelled after him. None of them took any notice (Zack told himself that was good, it meant that they would leave and stop making him have _urges_ that were absolutely not for Aerith).

After a few tense moments, Angeal had managed to rescue his younger self from the clutches of Sephiroth and was soothing him in a way that made Zack feel unfaithful. The naked man was apparently busy near the back of the barn (Zack had this feeling that Mr Naked had found the collection of magazines he hadn't meant to keep and only left in here because Genesis always got pissy if he wasn't allowed human gay porno mags to gaze at).

"Um, not that it isn't lovely to meet another me and all, but you please get the hell out? I mean, you're lucky I only have Seph and the Turk(ey)s here today. Otherwise they would've torn you apart already and _oh dear god my eyes!_" Zack did not scream like a little girl. Really, he didn't.

"Oh really now, that's just rude. I'm allowing you mere mortals to feast on my body and all you do is scream like little girls. I could get offended." The naked man said. Zack absolutely did not think about what the naked man was doing... or who he was doing it with. No. Zack did not. In fact, he doesn't even know what you're talking about. What naked man?

Zack was saved from further contemplation of the atrocities being committed in the stall behind him when a chocobo chick ran into him. It kwehed politely and didn't try to bite him or anything. Zack checked outside to see if pigs were flying yet (it is interesting to note that while no pigs were flying, several kittens were, along with a cow, a dog and an extremely confused mole).

"Patrick, there you are!" cried a cute little Cloud (there are a lot of them – Clouds that is – and they're very recognisable). Zack just barely resisted the urge to hug him – an urge that was easily contained when he saw a Sephiroth behind him, looking vaguely murderous and slightly confused. Chocobo-Sephiroth watched him and human-Cloud, obviously recognising himself (they'd met so many times after all) and Cloud.

"Um." Zack said, eloquently. He chanced a glance back to the younger him and Angeal and immediately averted his eyes. They were busy. Very _busy._

"Do you own this... _establishment_?" human-Sephiroth asked.

"Yes. Yes I do. Don't ask me why, I can't answer that question. Is the naked man still behind me?" Zack babbled. He'd noticed that human-Sephiroth had a very large sword, just like that winged Sephiroth he'd met a few days ago. It was very long and very sharp and drew Zack's eyes like very sharp swords do when in the hands of possibly murderous Sephiroths.

"Genesis. Not in front of Cloud." he said. He was glaring (it made Zack wish there was a hole he could crawl into and hide in forever).

"Oh damn, he's Genesis? I should have known, I mean with the hair and the naked and everything and does he know that he's doing _that_ with _himself_?" Zack hated his mouth, he really did.

"Myself? Kinky. Chocobo-kinky." said naked human-Genesis from behind him.

"Brain bleach. Please give me brain bleach. And eye bleach." Zack whimpered, folding in on himself. Mini-Cloud laughed and walked up to Zack.

(By this time younger-Zack and human-Angeal were also _doing things_ but Zack was not thinking about that, especially not when younger-Zack started making _noises_ and human-Angeal started saying 'Puppy, Puppy, Puppy' over and over again. He was not thinking about it even when naked human-Genesis said 'Oh, you could have a threesome with this Zack. In fact, why don't we all have- Gurhk, Sephiroth you didn't have to hit me that hard.' Zack _was not thinking about it._)

"Hug?" mini-Cloud asked – no, demanded.

"Sure, Cloud, sure. Then uh, you wanna go see the baby chocobos?" Zack asked as he enfolded Cloud in a quick hug. Didn't want to tempt fate, especially when he held a big sword and a protective glint in his eyes.

"Yay!"

Zack led mini-Cloud off to see the chicks, and tried to ignore the Sephiroth who was obsessively following them everywhere. He also made superb efforts to ignore the younger-Zack and human-Angeal who were so lovey dovey (especially Angeal, who kept on giving younger-Zack bone-crushing hugs) that it was making Zack feel like he was missing out on something. When he finally got five minutes alone with younger-Zack, they had this conversation.

"So... you and Angeal, huh?"

"Um, yeah. It's uh, he's been very... persuasive. I just... you don't have anywhere I can hide for a few minutes, do you?"

"Why would you want to hide? He's... well. You know."

"Yeah, he is. But he's very possessive. And won't leave me alone for five minutes. I just wanted a few seconds to myself and away from the mad woman and her things. And maybe a few seconds where I wasn't being squashed. You know. A bit of alone time. But no, I slip through that portal and they all follow me."

"...Why is Genesis naked?"

"Well, he _says_ he lost his clothes when he came through the portal but no-one believes that. He probably just took them off somewhere and forgot where he left them. Not that that's an excuse, but he _is_ Genesis."

"Yeah. I just never thought a human Genesis would be like the chocobo."

"If anything, he's worse. And he's always giving the crazy lady new ideas. You know what she wants me to do with the Buster Sword?"

"...I think I can guess."

"Oh yeah. And there is no way I am doing _that_ with a sword."

"Do I dare I ask who this crazy lady is?"

"She's not here right now. She's probably poking the portal to see what happens."

"What's this portal you keep going on about?"

"Doorway to other places. Seph usually keeps them all locked up, but I found this new one and here I am. When we go back he'll probably bolt it shut."

"Where did you come out anyway?"

"That field over there."

"Oh... _shit._ That was where my chocobos were. They've probably gone through your portally-doorway thing by now."

"Oh well. They can't do too much damage there."

"I wouldn't be too sure about that."

Zack spent the rest of the day trying to avoid the naked people. The chocobos – particularly Genesis – did as much as they could to try and force Zack into their presence. The quiet of the farm was routinely interrupted by manly screams of horror and Cloud's screams of childish delight and some other less savoury screams (mostly muffled after Zack lent younger him and Angeal his bedroom, although naked-Genesis could not be persuaded to leave the barn and later, the broom closet he was calling his Closet of Sex).

When evening came at last, the rest of the flock burst onto the scene, returning from adventures through the portal. Mini-Cloud was suddenly being tailed by chocobo-Cloud while chocobo-Angeal kept on giving Zack-the-chocobo funny looks and seemed to be involved in the whole Genesis scandal that Zack wasn't thinking about. The Turk(ey)s had disappeared to god knows where and Yuffie was playing some sort of game with Mini-Cloud. Both Sephiroths were fighting or something in a field nearby and it looked like a lot of the flock was watching them.

Zack meanwhile, was avoiding human-Angeal and younger-Zack like the plague, because _someone_ had suggested getting Zack involved, he'd been celibate for _so _long and wasn't getting any for the foreseeable future.

Zack was going to kill Aerith when he finally got rid of these people.

* * *

Okay, so I hope you enjoyed and will now go and stalk Amarissia. The Choir will rule the world one day. Again, ideas for the odd numbered chapters would be appreciated. Until then, this is me, signing out.

_Rethira_


	11. Chocobo Normalcy

Haven't updated in a while, so sorry all. Again, I could use your ideas. Credit would be given of course. Thanks in advance.

Warning: the same as before I guess.

Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy VII or any characters therein. I make no money from this.

* * *

**Chocobo Normalcy - A Chocobo Farm Story**

In a surprising return to form after the hectic events of the last few weeks , Zack awoke not to the screams of unfortunate women discovering rather a lot of extremely naked or extremely pretty men hanging around, but to the gentle morning cries of his nearest neighbours being chocobo'd. Yes, there was the traditional cry of outrage of the large wobbly blond man as Sephiroth dive-bombed him and there were the yells as Yuffie managed to run across several innocent bystanders' heads. Oh and there was the sweet cooing of the young ladies as they met either the chicks or Cloud.

Aerith shoved him out of bed a few seconds later (they had progressed slightly, partly because Zack had admitted to having _urges_ concerning tall, dark haired extremely possessive men). He limped downstairs and made himself breakfast (eggs and beans. Not chocobo eggs, but still eggs goddammit, it was the only way he could stay sane) before hurriedly shoving some outdoors clothes on and going to deal with his once again perky chocobos.

"Oh my god. Oh my god. You have got to be kidding me." Zack muttered.

The Turk(ey)s appeared to have broken the doors of the barn open and were now lost to the four corners of the earth (later to be found mostly on top of buildings, spying on human business deals; although Reno was discovered in the less savoury part of town spying on supposedly secret liaisons, but that was because he was almost as big a perv as Zack's friend Kunsel). Rufus and Tseng were the only Turk(ey)s present and correct. They were thankfully only overseeing the carnage, as Sephiroth routinely attacked the large blond man and the gaggle of young women who kept on petting Cloud.

Cloud himself was coping admirably, managing to look completely exhausted and overwrought. He was garnering huge amounts of sympathy and actually seemed to be enjoying the gentle attention for the most part. That would change when the young women became rabid fangirls (the bane of all existence, the only thing any Sephiroth truly feared (apart from split ends/feathers) and Aerith's minions). Then Cloud would see. Then Cloud would run and hide and try to climb buildings. Until then, he was being corralled into the pen with the chicks. Said chicks were now mostly entering what Zack called the 'teenage' stage. Even Marlene and Denzel were going through chocobo puberty and it was quite amusing and terrifying to watch. Clephy, Loz, Yazoo and Kadaj were still going through their 'doing everything their parents hate them doing' stage (especially Kadaj) and Clephy... well, Clephy was going to give Zack an aneurism soon. He still switched between his Sephy and Cloudy personalities and didn't look like he'd settle any time soon, or indeed, ever.

Yuffie was practicing her ninja chocobo skills. Contrary to popular belief, ninja chocobos are even better than ninja cats. Ninja cats are still awesome, but ninja chocobos are better. At least, to Zack's chocobo addled brain they were.

Barret and Tifa were still sane. And, joy of joys, Tifa had in fact had Cloud chicks, all of whom Zack had hidden away from Barret and Sephiroth. Neither would appreciate the revelation the sweet little fuzz balls would bring. Oh and the big egg Genesis had laid had just hatched. It looked a bit like Angeal, but blue and with white wings. And one wing was smaller than the other, which was just weird. Not that Genesis and Angeal weren't weird in the first place (neither were to be seen anywhere, leading Zack to believe they were safely ensconced elsewhere, making more eggs).

Zack-the-chocobo and Aerith-the-chocobo were present too. They were casually observing (Zack-the-chocobo was discreetly polishing his beak and a sword that was bigger than he was) as Nanaki and Reeve/Cait Sith tried to make friends with a madly amazed kitten (without wings). Reeve/Cait Sith seemed to have gained a fat moogle toy thing which was tied haphazardly to his back. A little girl was hugging her own moogle toy and giggling at their antics. Such was the life on the Chocobo Farm that Zack thought nothing of this and besides, Reeve/Cait Sith looked very at home with a moogle tied to him.

Zack looked around a bit, searching for Vincent and Cid (they were on the roof, Cid trying to convince Vincent of the joys of flight) and when he looked back, Genesis and Angeal had turned up and were successfully convincing Zack-the-chocobo away from the giant sword (hang on, that was the Buster Sword! What the hell was it doing out here?) and elsewhere. Zack was so focused on the sword, that he didn't realise that Zack-the-chocobo was leaving until Aerith and Aerith-the-chocobo started fussing and cooing and eventually Aerith elbowed Zack and muttered something about how he should've taken that nice Angeal who came by up on his threesome offer.

Zack resisted the urge to slam his head against the nearest wall. He was very lucky, as the nearest wall was now behind Lazard who was quite obviously laughing at him. In response, Zack whacked him around the head and went off to rescue that fat blond man (Don Corneo, that was his name!) from being trampled by Sephiroth. Behind him, Cloud warked in fear as the gaggle of girls metamorphosed into a horde of rabid fangirls, directed in their mission by the queen of fangirls – Aerith Gainsborough. The world would never know what hit it.

All in all, it was just another day on the farm.

* * *

Thanks for reading. Quite frankly, I don't know what will be coming up next. Possibly some more KH. Or maybe some Dissidia. Who knows?

Oh and before I forget, Amarissia has said to me that the Choir can visit again. I know some people wanted to know if they'd be back.

_Rethira_


End file.
